best friends means/you never knew/well, i never told you
oh, how did we grow so estranged? i wondered it long enough, but i think i’ve sorted a few things out. it’s not you, it’s me. it’s you reacting to me reacting to me. yes, guilt. it’s one hell of a drug. works hellish wonders on the brain. in the span of one night, one final night where i didn’t live with the same regret. not regret in the way you might think. just guilt. you don’t know why things changed so quick. like a switch. but that’s between me and a pile of empty bottles. no one else. not even they could afford to stay long. i may be stupid, but i ain’t that fucking stupid. no even back then, i wasn’t.
it’s funny. i keep wondering, “when’s the right time?”. is there ever even a time for this? i don’t know if i should ever tell you. it’s not like i can ask anyone to weigh in. at least, not anyone that’s not in my head.
perhaps that’s just selfish, though. i’ve done enough selfish shit. ruined your whole goddamn life by simply being in it, but that’s another thing for another day. that one night was goddamn selfish, though. imagine if i’d ruined your birthday permanently. imagine that.
don’t. please don’t.
i don’t think you’ll ever know. maybe telling you would permanently ruin it. and telling you is just plain selfish. i’d only do it for me, not for you. and if things are to be good, better, it’s you not me.
i just wish we weren’t so estranged. but how does one not let a secret like this divide us? hell, it’s divided me from most of the world, in dividing us. it’s worse than sleeping with your best friend’s spouse or significant other or whoever. it’s far far worse than that. and i know that.
and i know, i should never tell you.
so where do we go from here?
warwornlipstick 