dont let the loneliness bite you.
but it does
it chews away at my insides.
im a shell to the rest of the world.
i wish i could be more than automatic.
spines, spines everywhere!
but not a single one to spare.
only people who dont know my face know who i am.
i talk to no one.
im close to no one.
i havent sunk my teeth into the worlds flesh.
im ungrounded.
i could leave without warning
and it would be like i was never there
im speechless.
im motionless.
i dont know how to.
can a be a person?
for once?
why cant i know.
07.11.2019
the world is blue.
in a hazy fog.
i cannot see anything.
what id give to leave this place.
ditch this world the living.
nothing is romantic. nothing. not ever.
not for me.
i cant.
itd be a waste.
such beauty too wonderful to waste.
on me.
please just let me leave.
i want to leave.
but no.
more is wasted when i go.
but the air is misted.
it tastes like flavorless dewdrops.
settling in my lungs and choking out my air.
never telling me why. or how. or what i did.
oh please just throw more punches.
til i spit up blood. again.
til glittery drops litter the floor.
til i come crashing down.
oh what an awful person i must be to deserve this.
so pull the plug, why dont you.
why cant you.
hazy hazy.
cloud the air.
cloud my pupils.
drain the color and tint it melancholy.
kill the lights
drag me to the cold dead floor
of cold dead stares that are not there
flood by brain and leave me float
face down.
oh take a picture.
itll last longer.
not that anyone could care.
i cant bleed for the masses anyway.
to them im worthless. uninteresting. unoriginal.
stick needles into my skull
this is euphoria without the high.
this is floating in a world where the universe does not exist yet.
swirl the ceiling above.
stars in a starless night. lights where there are none.
intoxicate me with sweet misery.
freeze my limbs.
numb them.
i cant feel anything.
nothing at all.
one part of me can but the part of me thats here isnt. and it cant.
send shivers down my spine then down my limbs.
as i sink into the cement floor of the alley.
everythings so loud and busy but it drowns itself out. in the nothing night.
i am nothing here. i disappear.
19.10.2019
hope.
i hate hope.
it lifts you up.
and then you squash it.
it drags me down
further than before.
its just another tool
another thing that you can use to control me
another way to hurt me
when the blows arent dont hit hard enough
when the words stop cutting so deep
the last thing is hope
then this is it.
i have no hope.
i have nothing.
i have no memory. no ability. no hope.
i am nothing.
you cant hurt something thats not there.
17.10.2019
running down the rabbit hole.
ive lost control.
because i want control.
i dont know why.
i just want to be.
why cant i be.
something better.
someone better.
im slowly fading away
writing myself out of anyones story
it gets better when im not in it
or when im barely in it
things get better
lifes looking up for them
theres just something about me
i bring so much ruin
i dont mean it but something follows me
bad things happen when im there
lives fall apart
people edge on death
all when im there
and the second im gone everythings better.
17.10.2019
i cant wake up.
i cant sleep.
17.10.2019
going nowhere.
nowhere to go.
dont cry over spilled milk, spilled blood.
who could i be?
im scared of who i could be.
what i could be.
one wrong movement.
one wrong incident.
a slip in judgement, in rationality.
and im gone.
so long, goodnight.
but im not leaving.
i cant.
no matter how much.
its a waste.
choose which.
take a shot.
lives or money.
stick it out and run the risk.
17.10.2019
Stars, watch me descend.
memories.
ive blocked them out, pushed them down
far down
so deep that they disappear.
memories.
some ive written down.
boxes, blood, bruises.
truth be told,
i wonder if i have an excuse.
my life could be worse.
my life is good, right?
right?
i dont know.
you tell me.
past me.
a fucking shell.
i remember nothing.
i want to remember.
i want to remember.
fucking tell me.
tell me the truth.
i want to know why, why i am the way i am.
i only have fragments.
the glass flakes from a broken window.
what am i supposed to get from that?
behind the blogger tag
thank you, romi (xofrnk) for nominating me! if anyone other than them is reading this, go check out their blog cause its really rad!
rules:
– thank the person who nominated you
– answer all the questions
– pingback to the creator: ellyn@allonsythornaxx
– nominate 5+ bloggers to do this challenge
questions:
1) why did you start blogging and why have you kept blogging?
i started blogging as part of a class, but the stuff that id blog about was pretty much impersonal bullshit, but i started my first personal/hidden blog because i wanted to write and share stuff that was better. i later abandoned that blog because i was scared that someone i knew would find it and i would end up in deep shit. i started this blog a while after, as i missed blogging. to me, its one component of my therapy substitute.
2) what is your favorite type of blog post to write?
probably free-verse poetry that definitely belongs on some emo 16-year-olds 2005 livejournal page instead of here and now.
3) what are your top three favorite blog posts?
i really dont know. sorry.
4) what are some of your favorite things to do to relax?
i dont know how to relax unless im disassociating or asleep so thats unfortunate. to deal with stress i usually draw, play loud music, listen to music and dance (violently thrash) around, or write. i suppose i kind of relax by listening to conversation podcasts and daydreaming. but actually relaxing freaks me out and i cant.
5) what are your three favorite things?
~music (both preforming and listening to)
~my pets
~making art stuff (drawings, music, stories)
6) what are your proudest blogging moments?
probably when i actually posted. i dont post much anymore, sorry. i find it hard to have new ideas because i tend to get stuck. ive been stuck in a very similar creative stage for the past four-ish years so it doesnt differ much. i might post some stuff from a writing class i took last year.
7) what are your hobbies outside of blogging?
singing, playing guitar & piano & bass & violin, drawing, painting, writing stories, photography, reading, learning languages
8) describe your personality in three words.
vintage revenge grease.
9) what are your top three pet peeves?
oh boy, i have more than three so ill pick a category and give you the top three from there. item contact: cotton and teeth/nails, drywall/paper and dry stuff (like dried markers, nails, more paper), felt marker and rough dry wood.
i dont really have anyone to nominate, sorry. also sorry that this has taken months to post but here it is at long last. i dont have an explanation. i dont know why. but i am sorry.
09-25-2019
have some shitty poetry! im going to try non-ink inktober cause i dont have ink.
im slowly removing myself from the world.
no one knows im here.
eveybodys forgetting about me.
old friends dont answer my hellos.
they cant hear them.
i creep you out.
i am the nameless, faceless ghost
i repel.
theres just something about me.
you cant place a finger on it.
maybe its that i dont know how to exist.
i cant be taught.
i cant be here.
maybe its that i hate this place.
i hate this place.
be so kind, and pull the trigger.
09-07-2019
the second hand gets louder and louder.
i can’t stand that fucking smile on my face.
i hate the sound of my voice when it shakes.
today’s post isn’t anything special. it’s not a poetry post or anything. just my stewing. school started a while ago and I’ve had severe senioritis since junior year.
today is shitty. it’s the weekend. i can sleep. i can do laundry. i got a job, which is great. i can earn money now. eventually. i need to get a permit and go through training and all that shit first. if you wanted positivity, i suggest that you leave off here.
Today I cannot do anything right. I’ve sat at a desk for ten hours now an all I’ve done is correct a few answers and make a shitty comic strip. it feels like i can’t do anything right. it feels like i’m going nowhere. i feel talentless.
sixteen years in i remain friendless. is it seventeen? i cant even remember my own birthday. almost all of my life is a blur. maybe it’s better off this way. but i dont want it that way. i feel like i have nothing to offer to any conversation. and when i have something to say i never know how to say it. ive pretty much resigned myself to eternal solitude. god, that sounds so stupid. but it is what it is. fun just isn’t for me.
i can’t deal with fun anyway. every concert i go to, every party i attend, every time i do something enjoyable i become completely disconnected. i feel nothing. its awful. i wish i could stop it but i cant. my brain’s fucked, i guess. i can’t feel happiness but i can bask in the depths of rock bottom. thats just fucked.
i wish i lived alone. here i can’t sing. i can’t do anything. here i am plastic and set in stone. theres no growth in a puppet. i’ll reach eighteen and be a fucking infant. and ill have to stay fake to adapt to society as an adult. you cant have an adult that cant do human interaction. i cant be here.
im somewhat of an awful person. arent i old enough to make my own decisions? i should decide to be a good and genuine person. if only. thatd be a suicide mission. id get kicked out. have nowhere to go. no its a legal requirement to keep me. id just be in the worst pain ive ever experienced. no id be in the worst pain and then id be kicked out. because no one cares when it comes to teens. id be a runaway. id be hated by everyone i knew and forgotten immediately by everyone else.
no one knows me. not my so-called friends. the people i havent talked to since may. i feel like an asshole for saying it. its not their fault. its mine. i dont tell anyone anything. i dont trust anyone with anything. theres no room to form a meaningful bond. its why im so out of practice when it come to socializing. people scare me. i scare people. its just the way it is.
i just want to be something. something more than a ghost.
warwornlipstick 