Category: archive

maybe the bell tolls this time for me.

no one will call your bullshit.
but i will.
i will in a world you will never see. so nothing counts
you complain that you’re left out of something. once. once in a lifetime.
you leave me out of everything. all the time.
but the moment you want me there you expect me to be there.
everyone fucking loves you for your kindness but do they know what’s underneath?
is there anything there?
maybe there is. maybe you’re just blindsided.
maybe i’m just hardened.
oversensitive center, undersensitive surface.
maybe you just don’t care.
i wouldn’t blame you.
you don’t know me.
no one knows me but me.
even i know myself only sometimes.

forty-eight hours. i know normalcy now.
normalcy is boring but i miss it in a weird way.
no, no. that was not normalcy.
that was success in a drowning lie. life? possibly.
it was fun while it lasted.
i hope i make it back again.
i hope there will be a revival. a good one.
we need it.
i need it.
it’s breathing but an imposter has taken its place.
maybe its because i was never there that i miss it so.

desperate times make for desperate people.

is all this just coping?
oh, beautiful dependency. beautiful stewing fueling my blood

oh, the things i would take to make me feel something again. something good. but i cant.

you cant threaten someone to force normalcy upon them. only conformity,
i hate conformity.
but i hate threats.
i already yield to your relentlessness
so what’s a little longer?
then a little longer?
then just a bit longer still?
promise you’ll let go.
promises mean nothing to you.

I can hear them in the distance. yelling. chanting. Living their lives.
I can feel the thread straining.
I can feel the thread beginning to break.
but my own hatred is always there.
an unconventional safety net, yes, but a net nonetheless.
Because i was never good enough
to be engulfed in your arms.
and dissolve forever into your oblivion.

I know that I missed my shot.
but I was not the one
who aimed the gun.
Nor was I the one to pull the trigger.