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it’s almost been a year…
09-07-2019
the second hand gets louder and louder.
i can’t stand that fucking smile on my face.
i hate the sound of my voice when it shakes.
today’s post isn’t anything special. it’s not a poetry post or anything. just my stewing. school started a while ago and I’ve had severe senioritis since junior year.
today is shitty. it’s the weekend. i can sleep. i can do laundry. i got a job, which is great. i can earn money now. eventually. i need to get a permit and go through training and all that shit first. if you wanted positivity, i suggest that you leave off here.
Today I cannot do anything right. I’ve sat at a desk for ten hours now an all I’ve done is correct a few answers and make a shitty comic strip. it feels like i can’t do anything right. it feels like i’m going nowhere. i feel talentless.
sixteen years in i remain friendless. is it seventeen? i cant even remember my own birthday. almost all of my life is a blur. maybe it’s better off this way. but i dont want it that way. i feel like i have nothing to offer to any conversation. and when i have something to say i never know how to say it. ive pretty much resigned myself to eternal solitude. god, that sounds so stupid. but it is what it is. fun just isn’t for me.
i can’t deal with fun anyway. every concert i go to, every party i attend, every time i do something enjoyable i become completely disconnected. i feel nothing. its awful. i wish i could stop it but i cant. my brain’s fucked, i guess. i can’t feel happiness but i can bask in the depths of rock bottom. thats just fucked.
i wish i lived alone. here i can’t sing. i can’t do anything. here i am plastic and set in stone. theres no growth in a puppet. i’ll reach eighteen and be a fucking infant. and ill have to stay fake to adapt to society as an adult. you cant have an adult that cant do human interaction. i cant be here.
im somewhat of an awful person. arent i old enough to make my own decisions? i should decide to be a good and genuine person. if only. thatd be a suicide mission. id get kicked out. have nowhere to go. no its a legal requirement to keep me. id just be in the worst pain ive ever experienced. no id be in the worst pain and then id be kicked out. because no one cares when it comes to teens. id be a runaway. id be hated by everyone i knew and forgotten immediately by everyone else.
no one knows me. not my so-called friends. the people i havent talked to since may. i feel like an asshole for saying it. its not their fault. its mine. i dont tell anyone anything. i dont trust anyone with anything. theres no room to form a meaningful bond. its why im so out of practice when it come to socializing. people scare me. i scare people. its just the way it is.
i just want to be something. something more than a ghost.
07-01-2019
my limbs are blue.
my breath exists in a bubble. a warp.
nothing exists. none of it’s real.
whose skin i’m in, it belongs to a character. one who has an empty mind.
put a needle through my finger, through the bone
i don’t feel it.
nothing can be good when it’s temporary,
but after some time it grows terrifying. never old, only terrifying.
the year is half way through, and i’m finally writing a more traditional blog post. i feel like i’ve done more with my life than i’ve done in a while. it’s good, i guess. i still have a lot of catching up to do, and not enough time. i move in a few days so i hope that i can get my shit together and learn to speak in the meanwhile. i need to make some new friends. right now i can barely carry a conversation with the few i have.
i made it about a month without dissociating. i broke that good streak today. i don’t know why it happened. usually the bouts don’t last long, but after a few hours or a few days it begins to scare me. (this is because one time i was stuck in the state for months.) and usually it’s at social events. this time i was just lazing about. hopefully it’ll dissipate after i sleep.
last night i had a weird but kind of good dream? it was one of those nearly-good dreams where you anticipate something which would be great in real life and wake up before it can happen, in a world where it will not happen. I’ve been having a lot of these types of dreams recently, or at least the dreams i remember. i don’t know why.
(if you are curious)
the dream: i got “barricade” at the frank iero and the future violents concert (at vans warped tour). i was excited because i was unable to go to any of the ones which were near me. “barricade” here was on the steps of a staircase, just above the landing (the stage was the landing). it was three hours before the performance and we (i was with a friend? i don’t know who he was in reality though) had our spaces secured and then i woke up before the actual concert.
warwornlipstick 