Category: Uncategorized

and here we have.    this display of.                                       .-this-.

one book.

     one note.

          one site.

               one page.

                    one        whole       collection.

mutually assured                                                                    Demolition

                                                                                                  Perpetuation

one whole collection

tucked              .between.             coversof

purehaze                 …                morningfog

and all for

the useless drain

            we never could get anywhere

from here

but down

then oscillate

—   

and it never ends

.until.

this sweet carbon-monoxide lullaby

sing me to sleep

tucked between covers of

despondent.

drags straight

back up

to embers.

and we surface again

and it’s a head-lining tragedy

………….

if you’re successful enough

if you’re sick enough

you know i used  …   to wish                                                                                                                                                   i could

But  -then-   i was foolish                                                                                                                                    now i’m just at the threshold                                                                                                                                                                                           …

how terrible-y romantic

how cold-pale-waxy blue

self/trigger/hair/trigger

and down we go.

hare/trigger.

run.

3.2.1.

we meet again at midnight.

swerve. crash. bang.

can’t promise any good beyond that.

can’t promise there won’t be fire either.

send the phantoms just in case

i fade again at midnight.

i think. i don’t quite know.

i wonder if, you’d wonder the same.

you don’t. you and i both know that.

i can see you pass me by.

two cars, headed straight on.

never crashing.

i never crash.

i never even turn the lane

to meet you at the concrete barrier.

not for more than a passing moment.

forgettable moment.

i think, it’s all quite strange.

i think, the sounds of the world

they drown me out.

i let them drown me out.

still i cling to small things like this

to drown the world out.

still i find you

you do the opposite.

you’re so silent and i’m so silent.

but you’re so great and i’m so

i don’t. i’m not here.

but it’s all over again, really.

i know just how this story ends.

i knew right from the moment

when i took the book off the shelf.

i’d seen the plot play out before

it’s become a cliche by now.

our pages split down the middle

blur only with stormwater

and even then, rarely.

i’m so very cold.

won’t you come pick me up? i’m down there, probably twenty-seven meters. bring enough oxygen for a few hours. it’s all it should take.

i think i’m faded off again.

i think i realized it looking at the turtle on the log.

i’m not really sure it’s real. i see fuzzy blue bugs on the walls of the bathroom stall.

yes i’ve had another breakdown in those metal confines. freezing in my tracks as the curtain shifts and crunches in a quick and unintentional threat.

it all feels so intentional.

maybe that’s becasue i know it. i know i’ve had it coming.

all the bad and terrible.

if time’s fluid than what i do now will come back to bite me in the ass, in the past. to make me a terrible human today.

it’s a loop, but i’ve caused it, so who am i to complain.

quietquietquiet

qhy am i still here.

i’d really love to punch you in the face.

i’d really love to shoot me in the face.

i’m too narcissistic to do that.

no.

i really loathe you, you know, but i can’t bring myself to make it pure.

that’s reserved for myself.

selfish, aren’t i. saving all that unadulterated hate for myself.

i am the only one who knows me. i am the only one who can jodge me. i am the only one who can hate me.

and know just what i’m hating. and why,

i can’t bring myself to hate anyone but myself.

and even still, i’m such a fucking self-obsessed freak.

greedy and selfish and fuckedupbeyond belief

i make myself sick. i can feel the fucking bile rising in my throat. ialwaysdothisialwaysdothiswhydoialwaysdo this.

getitoutgetitoutgetitoutwhydoihavetofuckitallup

someone lock the door to my room.

i need to be alone. i need to remove myself from life and float in my head for a little while until i’m done wasting.

ohgodihateme.