Category: Uncategorized

Stars, watch me descend.

memories.
ive blocked them out, pushed them down
far down
so deep that they disappear.

memories.
some ive written down.
boxes, blood, bruises.

truth be told,
i wonder if i have an excuse.
my life could be worse.
my life is good, right?

right?

i dont know.
you tell me.
past me.
a fucking shell.

i remember nothing.
i want to remember.
i want to remember.
fucking tell me.

tell me the truth.
i want to know why, why i am the way i am.

i only have fragments.
the glass flakes from a broken window.
what am i supposed to get from that?

thank you, romi (xofrnk) for nominating me! if anyone other than them is reading this, go check out their blog cause its really rad!

rules:
– thank the person who nominated you
– answer all the questions
– pingback to the creator: ellyn@allonsythornaxx
– nominate 5+ bloggers to do this challenge

questions:

1) why did you start blogging and why have you kept blogging?
i started blogging as part of a class, but the stuff that id blog about was pretty much impersonal bullshit, but i started my first personal/hidden blog because i wanted to write and share stuff that was better. i later abandoned that blog because i was scared that someone i knew would find it and i would end up in deep shit. i started this blog a while after, as i missed blogging. to me, its one component of my therapy substitute.

2) what is your favorite type of blog post to write?
probably free-verse poetry that definitely belongs on some emo 16-year-olds 2005 livejournal page instead of here and now.

3) what are your top three favorite blog posts?
i really dont know. sorry.

4) what are some of your favorite things to do to relax?
i dont know how to relax unless im disassociating or asleep so thats unfortunate. to deal with stress i usually draw, play loud music, listen to music and dance (violently thrash) around, or write. i suppose i kind of relax by listening to conversation podcasts and daydreaming. but actually relaxing freaks me out and i cant.

5) what are your three favorite things?
~music (both preforming and listening to)
~my pets
~making art stuff (drawings, music, stories)

6) what are your proudest blogging moments?
probably when i actually posted. i dont post much anymore, sorry. i find it hard to have new ideas because i tend to get stuck. ive been stuck in a very similar creative stage for the past four-ish years so it doesnt differ much. i might post some stuff from a writing class i took last year.

7) what are your hobbies outside of blogging?
singing, playing guitar & piano & bass & violin, drawing, painting, writing stories, photography, reading, learning languages

8) describe your personality in three words.
vintage revenge grease.

9) what are your top three pet peeves?
oh boy, i have more than three so ill pick a category and give you the top three from there. item contact: cotton and teeth/nails, drywall/paper and dry stuff (like dried markers, nails, more paper), felt marker and rough dry wood.

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i dont really have anyone to nominate, sorry. also sorry that this has taken months to post but here it is at long last. i dont have an explanation. i dont know why. but i am sorry.

have some shitty poetry! im going to try non-ink inktober cause i dont have ink.

im slowly removing myself from the world.
no one knows im here.
eveybodys forgetting about me.
old friends dont answer my hellos.
they cant hear them.
i creep you out.
i am the nameless, faceless ghost
i repel.
theres just something about me.
you cant place a finger on it.
maybe its that i dont know how to exist.
i cant be taught.
i cant be here.
maybe its that i hate this place.
i hate this place.
be so kind, and pull the trigger.

is that you or a ghost?
is this me or another face?
another phase?

another lie to stretch the days,
to keep going what little there is
under my skin?

save my face. i will
keep the pace until
i fall behind. no longer in line.

it’s where i want to be. i think.

maybe the bell tolls this time for me.

no one will call your bullshit.
but i will.
i will in a world you will never see. so nothing counts
you complain that you’re left out of something. once. once in a lifetime.
you leave me out of everything. all the time.
but the moment you want me there you expect me to be there.
everyone fucking loves you for your kindness but do they know what’s underneath?
is there anything there?
maybe there is. maybe you’re just blindsided.
maybe i’m just hardened.
oversensitive center, undersensitive surface.
maybe you just don’t care.
i wouldn’t blame you.
you don’t know me.
no one knows me but me.
even i know myself only sometimes.

forty-eight hours. i know normalcy now.
normalcy is boring but i miss it in a weird way.
no, no. that was not normalcy.
that was success in a drowning lie. life? possibly.
it was fun while it lasted.
i hope i make it back again.
i hope there will be a revival. a good one.
we need it.
i need it.
it’s breathing but an imposter has taken its place.
maybe its because i was never there that i miss it so.

desperate times make for desperate people.

is all this just coping?
oh, beautiful dependency. beautiful stewing fueling my blood